The Life Of Poppy Marie Gardner Our Very Own Angel Above I found out I was pregnant around mid-june 2010. My last period finished on the 8th may. When I found out, I had so many mixed emotions. The feeling of, omg how are we going to do this. We have 5 kids between us already. And could we afford to do it again. After the initial shock we sort of got used to the idea. I was 14 weeks pregnant when I first new something was wrong. On the 29th of august I had a major bleed. My best friend drove me to Gayndah hospital. I was checked over by a doctor and he found Poppi’s heartbeat. Well at that moment I burst into tears because I couldn’t believe I ever had the thoughts I did about not having her. Because I was bleeding so heavily and I was having some back pain, the doctor thought it best that I get flown to Bundaberg hospital to find out what was going on. I waited about half an hour till the plane arrived. When I got to Bundaberg I spent around 2 hrs in an emergency department bed. Eventually a doctor came in and did an internal ultrasound. She said everything looked fine and she couldn’t tell where the bleeding was coming from. They then sent me up to the women’s unit where I slept for a couple of hours before going home, with instructions to have a follow up ultrasound. I went to the Childers medical imaging centre for my ultrasound, where the sonographer informed me I had a subchoionic hematoma. A subchorionic hematoma is a type of blood clot found between the pregnancy membranes and the wall of the uterus. The bleeding occurs when small parts of the pregnancy membranes separate from the uterus. There is no evidence that this happens because of anything the mother did; doctors don't really know why it occurs. The sonographer said you really have nothing to worry about. You or your baby are not in any danger, “just don’t go sky diving”. Wtf? As if I would!. I continued to bleed for 5 weeks. Not heavy the whole time, it slowly eased off. Then I had around 2 weeks of no bleeding. The weeks starting the 24th October I had some light bleeding and I just thought oh well it’s the hematoma, nothing to worry about… yeah right!. On the 30th of October I woke up feeling pretty ordinary. I had some back pain and I thought “oh wonderful we are planning on taking the kids swimming and I get swamped with Braxton hicks contractions”. Well we took them swimming anyway. Though out the day I could feel the pain was intensifying a bit. When we got home I got the kids sorted, fed, bathed and ready for bed. At around 6pm I could feel that something just wasn’t right. I called Bundaberg hospital and told them what was going on. They said I’d better just go over so they can check me over. I said to them I live in Gayndah, it’s a 2 hour drive to Bundaberg. She asked if I had someone that could drive me over. I told her yes. When I got off the phone I told Anthony (Poppi’s dad) that I will just drive over by myself because the kids were knackered and I wanted them to be able to just relax at home. So I got in my car and started driving. Half an hour later I realised my contractions were 4 minutes apart and quite intense. I didn’t want to take any chances because I know there is no mobile phone coverage between ban ban springs and Biggenden. I stopped at the ban ban spring service station and asked the lady working behind the counter if she could please call an ambulance for me. Which she did. I called Anthony and told him the ambulance was coming for me. He said he was putting the kids in the car and coming. I told him not to worry about it at that time, that I would let him know what’s going on once I get to Bundaberg. The ambulance turned up, loaded me into the back and Anthony pulled up. I told him to take the kids home to bed and I would call him as soon as I knew what was going on. He agreed and went home. Then I was told that the ambulance would not be taking me to Bundaberg, that it was taking me back to Gayndah. They didn’t want to take the ambulance to Bundaberg in case there was an emergency in Gayndah as there was only the ambulance. (Seemed strange as at the time I kinda thought me and my baby were the emergency). When I got back to Gayndah I waited for the doctor to come and see me. When he came he checked bubs heartbeat and did an internal examination. He said I was 1 cm dilated, but that can be common in women that have previously given birth, (I had 3 times, twice natural and 1 caesarean). After I told him I’d called Bundaberg and they wanted me to go get checked out, he said we will just wait for a plane and get you flown over. The Royal Flying Doctors got to Gayndah around 2 am. So there was 6 hours wasted that could have been a chance for my baby and I wouldn’t be sitting here in tears writing about this…. When I got to Bundaberg I got my mum to call my sister so she could come and be with me. At around 4.30 am I had another massive bleed. So the nurses hooked me up onto drips. The doctor came in and asked if I mind her checking to see if I was dilated. I told her it was fine. I knew by the look on her face something was wrong. She looked at me and said “it’s not good, you are 6 cms dilated, and you are going to have your baby”. Then she proceeded in telling me that because the baby is not yet 24 weeks gestation, there was nothing they could do for her, but because she was further than 20 weeks gestation, we need to register her birth, death and have a funeral… This was my breaking point. I called my mum and she was bawling. I called Anthony and he started bawling. My whole world felt like it was falling down around me. Anthony was really upset as he already had to say goodbye to his niece when she was just 7 months old. He did not want to go thru it again. By now I was in quite a lot of pain so they administered me with a pethidine shot. Not long after that my sister arrived.. The next few hours were a bit of a blur as I was quite drowsy. The most beautiful woman Faye who is a registered midwife, clinical nurse came to speak to me. I think she also handles the grief counselling. She told me what would happen when Poppi was born. She said she would arrive, take a couple of breaths, then go to sleep.. She said she would come back and talk more when Anthony arrived. Between then and when Anthony arrived a doctor came in to tell me it looks like I may be having a placental abruption. He asked if I had been given a steroid shot in Gayndah to mature the baby’s lungs. I said no and he said well there is no point in starting it now because you need to have one, then the following one 12 hours later and I’m afraid it doesn’t look like baby is going to wait that long. He said what would normally happen is if the baby is 24 weeks gestation, as soon as she is born, Brisbane would send for her and they would try to help her survive. I told him I was not 22 weeks 5 days gestation, that I was in fact 23 weeks 6 days. I know when I fell pregnant as I only saw Anthony once in that whole month. We got moved to the delivery room early evening as my contractions were very intense. Then the paediatrician arrived. She said, now because there is some confusion with your due dates, if the baby has her eyes open we will get her straight to Brisbane. She said it’s more likely she will come out, take the couple of breaths and then pass away. Well it felt like this labour went on forever. My waters still hadn’t broken. The doctor gave me another internal to see if I had progressed. She said I was around 8cm dilated. Because I had already been pushing so long she was trying to feel where poppi was positioned. She looked up at me with a smile and said “aww that’s kinda cute Rachel, every time I touch her I can feel a little hand or foot pull away from my fingers”. Those words will forever haunt me. I felt so much hope when she said that. I thought my baby was going to be ok. All I could think of was please please baby girl have your eyes open for your mummy. I really don’t understand why they had given me this reason because I have seen babies born at 27 weeks gestation and they still have their eyes closed.. Anyway the doctor said I am not making much progress and she had spoken to the surgeon about me having a caesarean. That scared me. I was not doing that. I wanted to be able to cuddle my baby as soon as she was born. So I stood up to try and get her to move down. It worked. Within half an hour I was crouched down and poppi was born. She was still in her amniotic sack so the doctor had to rip it open. When she did, Poppi let out a big cry and she was kicking her little legs and throwing her little arms around. The instant the paediatrician saw her she said “well Rachel you can see from her eyes”… but that was as far as she got when the other midwife said NOT NOW very firmly. From then I knew she was not going to be helped. I lay on that bed while she was curling her little fingers around my finger, just admiring the fact that she was taking breaths. And the fact that she looked so much like mine and Anthony’s other little girl, Steevie. She had the exact same birth mark in the exact same spot.. The doctor checked her heartbeat and said wow she has a really strong heartbeat.. Just quietly, I really felt like punching her in the face. I called my mum bawling to tell her what had happened. While I was on the phone I started to feel numb, my lips were numb and I couldn’t hear anything. I hung the phone up, looked at Anthony and said “take Poppi, I think I’m going to faint”. They then lay me flat on the bed and elevated my legs. I had gone into shock, big time. Due to the amount of blood I lost and anxiety. Poppi lived for exactly 2 hours. Her daddy held her till her heart stopped beating. I was semi-conscious on the bed. I could hear things and feel things I can’t even explain. I just couldn’t move. Except being able to try and reach for Anthony and Poppi. Just as I was coming to I had an image of beautiful poppi with little wings sitting on my grandfather’s knee. I opened my eyes and looked over just as Anthony said, “I think she’s gone”. Words I never ever wanted to hear… I got to cuddle Poppi some more but I knew she wasn’t there anymore. I admired how perfect she was while they were doing her ink foot and hand prints. Thinking.. “She is so perfect, just a little small”. I remember trying to sleep and just waking up screaming. The pain I was feeling is nothing I can describe. My whole body hurt and I could actually feel my heart breaking. The next morning Faye called and said “I’m so sorry for you loss sweet heart. Life is not fair. The ladies called me and told me what happened, Poppi was a big baby for her age”. That shattered the last little bit of my heart. I tried telling them all along that she was further than they thought. Faye had just confirmed it for me. All my babies have been small. The biggest being 6p 11oz. poppi was small, but bigger than they expected a 22week 5 day baby. THAT’S BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT! SHE WAS 23 WEEEKS 6 DAYS! The hardest bit was yet to come. It didn’t hit me until Anthony and I were leaving the hospital later that day. We got out to the car and I just broke down. We were going home without our little girl. She has to stay at this hospital. I couldn’t fathom it at all. Since poppi was born I have lived through the hardest days of my life. This is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. No one deserves to feel this pain and emptiness. Like Anthony says, “you are meant to walk your baby girl down the aisle on her wedding day. Not her funeral”. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Well I have days where I feel dead inside, like right now. Then I have days where I feel like I can conquer the world because I know poppi will never have to feel the pain that we earthlings do. No I am not happy with the treatment I received. We are deprived of ever seeing our little girl smile, or play in the back yard with her sisters and brother. We will never see her ride a pony. Will never see her off on her first day of school. Won’t go through the horrible teenage years. Never see her marry the man of her dreams. Never see her children and think “wow kiddo, they are just like you”. The saddest thing is not knowing what colour her eyes were. I know in my heart they were exactly like her daddy’s, but it haunts me not getting to see them. I am not writing this to get anyone into trouble. I am writing this because I think things need to change. At 20 weeks gestation a baby is counted as viable. If a person is dying isn’t it only natural that you do all you can to keep them alive.. No matter what the outcome may be you still have to try. You don’t get someone that’s just had a vehicle accident and say no I don’t think he is going to make it. It’s better if we just let him die.. NO! They do everything they can to save his life even if his outlook is grim. So why the F is it so different for babies? I want parents of babies born from 20 weeks to be able to say. “Yes I know there are risks involved and yes I know there will be complications and even disabilities, but you will do whatever you can to give my child a chance at life”. If a baby comes out crying, fighting and breathing then they want to live!. And then there’s the fact of, why do some parents get the option for medical intervention and some don’t? I do not understand it. I have spoken to so many people that have had 23 weekers and under that had been given that chance. And now they have happy healthy children. They say quality of life will be poor. Blindness, deafness, learning disabilities. I don’t give a shit. I know I could still give my child a great life. And let’s face it. FULLTERM babies can be born with the same problems. If I were given the opportunity I would have fought for Poppi. I would have done whatever I could to make sure she was here today. I know the risks and that it can be a very long battle. A battle which I would have been willing to fight. If at any time we thought it was just too painful for her and we knew she wouldn’t make it. We would THEN make the decision to let her go. But we would not give up without a fight. It baffles me that some people get a say in what happens and others don’t. I’m very confused by this. Do they have a budget to stick to? Do they only allow for a certain amount of premmie babies to be saved per year? I have no idea but I really would love some answers. So I say, let the parents make the judgement call. After all, they did create these little beings. Poppi Marie, I am doing this for you and all the other angel babies. And the parents that feel they have been wrongly done by. I want this to make a difference. I know you were here for a reason. I really hope and I do believe that it’s so we can change this policy. I love you sweet heart. You give me strength when I feel like I can’t go on. I see your butterflies everywhere. I feel you in your big sister. You have changed our lives forever. I no longer take anything for granted. Fly high Angel, until we meet again xoxoxoxo